Sunday 4 January 2015

Emerald Phoenix (Fay)

10 comments:

  1. Pho!
    I hardly ever see you and you're always distant..
    But you're still awesome.
    And I'm glad to have met you.

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  2. We don't get to talk much (stupid time zones) but I love to when I get the opportunity!
    You're just so..
    I can't find a word to describe it so I'm going to say amazing but it's more than that.

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  3. Fay! You're a wonderful friend and I like talking to you. Also, I really like your new name. :)

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  4. Fay, my beautiful wife and best friend, I've probably already given away who I am, but I just wanted to say that I miss you more than words can describe. You're amazing and wonderful and I really, really feel like part of me was taken away when you got rid of most of your online connections (though I can understand why you did it). Please, Please email me sometime my adorable nerd Bird Mom. I hope you actually see this...

    xox An absolute Bean

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    Replies
    1. Also, the forest misses you and may come here

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  5. Fayyyyyyyyyyyyy! <3 I really miss you friend and I hope you're doing alright.

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  6. Fay....
    I miss you so, so, so much.
    You're kind, funny, sweet, adorable, considerate, thoughtful, beautiful, smart and so incredibly awesome and amazing.

    You mean so much to me, and even though I haven't heard from you in ages, I think about you frequently and wish the best for you.

    That being said, please do what is best for you. All those telepathic ninja owls love you and want what's best for you.
    *hugs*
    Love you,
    Snuggly

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  7. Hey guys. It's Fay.

    I'm going to be honest: I did do what was best for me by leaving this- fandom? Blogsphere? You guys are absolutely wonderful and I hope you're happy, wherever you are and whatever you're doing; you were always warm and welcoming and made me smile.

    I was in an unhealthy place, because of my general internet experience. Tumblr, mostly, and if you know it at all you'll know how toxic it can be; the hate it can spread, the messages about mental illness and self-harm. I was 12 when I first made an account. The general atmosphere, the pettiness, the normalised self-hate all bled out of the screen and into me. I took it on and internalised it and did dumb shit.

    You guys, especially on Arden, were kind and funny and made the world look bright. You took care of each other, and looking back on it now, it's a little bit miraculous that a group of strangers spread across the world were so lovely to each other. Human decency exists, as does empathy, and I can still see it here on this ghost of a blog.

    But being online in general and the disconnect from reality was not at all healthy for young me. I went through a lot of shit. Most of it was self-imposed, and I know it, but it's self-imposed the same way any addiction is. It has taken me three years to sort out what I did to myself in nine, ten months, and there is still so much tangled thread. I still spend worrying amounts of times on screens- who doesn't, these days?- but I understand now why I wanted escape, and have named and labeled the parts of me that did. Their hold on me now is loosening, but there are still days where I fixate and daydream and scroll.

    If you're reading this and worrying: bless you, and please don't. I am lucky to have people around me who I rely on and love, and I am changing. Slowly, but that's how it normally goes. I can look back and see that I have changed.

    Anyway, I came across ARCK when I went to Derek's blog for shits and giggles and procrastination, and found the last post was from 2016 and that nobody is here anymore. It's strange, seeing it dead. It's strange, seeing all the comment pages I ghosted and scrolled through, from the time when I joined the blog to the time before; I read your roleplays, I clicked on your usernames and saw your blogs with photos and words from your own individual lives, so far away from me, and wondered what life was like for you guys, real life. School and home and what kind of shoes you wore and if you were okay, if you, like me, longed for something more than this. I'm wondering the same thing now.
    (1/2)

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  8. (2/2)
    I hope Danni and Adra are ok.

    I hope Anika/Crowley is ok. I read her roleplays a lot and wished so badly I could have her wit and intelligence. I wish I'd told her then how *cool* she was to me. I got into Good Omens in my time away, and I get the reference now. Fabi, this one's for you too.

    Star, if you're reading this, or Holly, I hope you're still making art, it was beautiful. I started listening to Muse because of you. 12 year old me was intimidated by you because she thought you were really, really cool. 16 year old me still does.

    Fabi, you're intelligent and kind and I loved your Python song lyrics blog. You made Arden; you cared so deeply about people you didn't know in physical meatspace, and although I completely get it it just blows my mind, your capacity for care and love. I hope people irl appreciate your warmth and your art-making skills- seriously, how the hell were you all so creative?

    Dugglyn, thank you for all the laughter you brought. Thank you as well for all the genuine worry and love for everyone here. You're lovely, and thank you thank you thank you for everything. You make me think of Irish dancing; I hope you're still into that, or if you aren't, that you're still enjoying something.

    Snow, thank you. You were my wife for a bit, and my friend for longer. Thank you for your emails. I blocked you on Skype because I knew being online was unhealthy and I was worried (terrified's probably more accurate), but I should have explained to you before I did it. Sometimes when I think of Australia and Tasmania your name floats into my head and I regret not talking to you. All I can say is that I didn't have the words to explain it to myself, then, either. You were warm and fierce and lovely and funny and God, this sounds like a eulogy. I hope you're still alive and living a good, happy life.

    All of you, thank you.

    And also, @me, if you're on here, get back to whatever the hell it is you're avoiding doing, idiot. You're more than this. I love you.

    Thank you.

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